Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas

Well, it’s been nearly a week since I gave up Target to suport my gay and lesbian friends.

And, to be honest, I really wished their CEO could have waited until after back to school season to exercise his constitutional rights to be wrong.

It would have given me a chance to get the blackout drapes I wanted for Doodle’s room on sale…so maybe he could sleep past 6 a.m. on a weekend.

It would have made shopping for shoes and folders and lysol disinfecting spray and electronic wipes and lunchbox every other item on Boo’s first grade supply list a one-stop effort instead of a trek through three stores and the Internet.

I could have picked up a new lullaby CD for Doodle while I was at it, since his attempts to transform the current disc into a frisbee have made 90 percent of the tracks as skippy as a gay pride parade in San Francisco.

However, I am not budging. I’ve held my ground despite the extra miles, extra pennies and inconveniences. So far, Target’s missed out on about $500 in purchases from me. In. A. Week.

But all is not lost (for me at least).

I’ve had some amusing and entertaining finds along the way.

Stuff like this:

Hillary Clinton 1st Cleaning Lady Toilet Scrubber

Now this is a gift to get all of my conservative friends who feel it appropriate to use the Secretary of State’s head to clean the head.  I am sure it will provide hours of entertainment and educational value as they teach their kids to scrub toilets (like I did) with a foreign policy lesson as an added bonus. (Note: If you lean to the left as I do, take heart, Amazon carries a George Bush brush as well. Get the pair and you can entertain the kiddies with debate reenactments during bathtime!)

Imax Chairs Cast Iron Decorative Scuptures

Need a little extra seating about the house? Is it time to put your high and mighty mother in law in the throne she deserves? Try these on for size. Frankly, I’m interested if these come with a matching trebuchet to launch my 3YO to the crow’s nest for “time out”. Of course, the seat will have to be lined with velcro to keep him there.

Kyjen Hide-A-Squirrel Puzzle Toy

The Kill Bill Lunchbox

This weekend you scrubbed a toilet for the first time and learned to use the vacuum cleaner.* You shepherded your little brother around and did your regular chores with barely a complaint.  You were happy to earn a later bedtime and some extra dessert. But your biggest reward is and always has been more independence and added responsibility.

You got to take the dog for a walk around the block…by yourself. And THAT was a REALLY BIG DEAL.

It meant I trusted you.

It meant that I knew you understood the rules, had a solid sense of your surroundings and believed that you could handle the dog on your own.

And you did it.

Yes, Steve was secretly watching you the whole time, but you did it…and you did it well.

Your little brother was waiting for you on the lawn as your blond ponytail bounced around the last turn. Your face beamed with pride and joy.

You did it, Boo.

_____________________

*The pieces of my plan are coming together…soon you will be a pint-sized cleaning machine driven to fight every stray dog hair and speck of dust so I can stay on the couch watching Deadliest Catch as I wash my Cool Ranch Doritos down with a frosty Diet Coke.

Everyone has his or her “side of the bed” — the side that, for whatever reason, you rest easier, sleep more deeply and are generally most comfortable in.

I have had “my side” for more than…well…let’s just say a long time.

It wasn’t a problem until Steve moved in and we discovered that “his side” and “my side” are one and the same.

Being the gracious gentleman he is, I got to maintain “my side” and he adapted to a new orientation. (We attempted a room rearrangement that failed miserably).

And then we moved.

I opted to be the gracious one (for once) and offered Steve “my side” closer to the window. It also afforded a clearer view of the TV and he would be less apt to be disturbed by sleep-walking children looking for someone to hit and kick in their sleep for the rest of the night comfort.

Yep. I’m a giver, yo.

Soon we discovered that neither one of us slept well in our new positions. It carried over to our trip to Hawaii where we maintained the new arrangement and, despite the amazing hotel room and incredibly busy and exhausting days, we we were both pretty restless at night. We racked it up to the time zone and foreign surroundings.

So, we came back and gave it a try for another week.

In addition to our restlessness, Doodle started crawling into bed with us between 4 and 5 a.m. every single day. We figured he was still adjusting to his new room…. or perhaps the light of the early dawn was peeking in between his blinds…or perhaps the A/C was kicking on after he’d kicked off his covers, waking him up and sending him for warmth and cuddles.

Finally, Sunday night we experimented. We swapped back to our previous “sides” and gave it a go.

And you know what?

It worked.

We both slept better than we had in weeks. The boy? He stayed in his own bed until I woke him this morning. When he want to bed last night, he had no way of knowing that he’d have to crawl past Steve to get to me.

It’s probably just a coincidence, but I’m using Steve as a shield more often. He’s better than bamboo and a bowl full of rocks, that’s for sure.